The goal for setting limits is to give as much responsibility as possible to the child. One contrast between
rules and limits is that rules require the adult to take most of the responsibility. The adult must make the
rules, enforce the rules, and apply some kind of punishment.
Limits, however, require the child to accept responsibility for her own behavior and limits never require
punishment. This is why limits contribute to the normal development of the child's independence.
With that in mind, here are the 5 ways to set limits. They are interchangeable
so you can choose the methods that best suits each situation and each child.
The I-Message this is the most desirable way to set limits because you express your
feelings as a problem. The child is expected to respond in a positive way. There are 3 parts to an I-Message: your
feelings, what's happening, and the reason why you are concerned. For example:
It scares me ;when; I see you climbing on the
table
(your feelings) (what's happening)
because ;it's not strong and you could get
hurt.
(the reason)
Or I can't read the story;  with  so much noise
(the reason) (what's happening)
and I feel frustrated.
(your feelings)
We set limits to:Assure the safety of each child and
adult.
Prohibit the destruction of materials and equipment
Assure that kids take  responsibility for their actions
Assure equal and respectful treatment of all people
Giving Information:  When you give information, use an informative tone of voice without scolding or threatening, then allow
the child to react. If the child ignores you, try a firmer voice or give more information.
It's time to get ready for lunch. (wait for response)
The toys get put away. (wait for response)Â  I can't take you to lunch until the toys are put away. (Follow through
firmly)
Natural or Logical Consequences:  These are an outgrowth of the child' s behavior and the
consequence must follow the behavior immediately. A consequence should never be a punishment or a
message that says I told you so!
Looks like your milk spilled; here's the sponge.
When kids throw their toys, they pick them up.
If you kick me, I have to put you down on the floor.
Using Contingencies:  This is when a second action depends on a first action being performed. A contingency usually
begins with the word when. This statement tells the child what you expect and what will happen when he complies.
When your puzzle is put away, you may play with another toy.
When you've finished screaming, you may come back into this room.
When your shoes are on, you'll be ready to go outside.
Making Choices:  These work especially well with children who are strong willed and in need of a great
deal of control. Giving choices eliminates power struggles and 'NO' answers.
You may wear the yellow boots or the blue ones (but you must wear boots when it
rains)
You may walk to get your diaper changed or I can carry you (but your diaper gets
changed.)
You may play quietly indoors or go out and be noisy.
The 'last resort' method:
When you try everything and the child continues to harass (purposely tease, hurt, destroy)
remove the child from the situation, have him sit apart until he's ready to play without harassing
and let him decide when to return. If he repeats the behavior tell him, 'You thought you were
ready, but you're not, so you'll need to sit here.' This is not 'time out' because the child is
always in control.
5 WAYS TO SET LIMITS